Maddie’s Story

I’m Maddie and I am currently getting support from one of the Outreach workers, Lucy. I first made contact with Finding Freedom From Abuse after being signposted by a friend. It was not something I had the confidence to do before but hearing how much the organisation had supported them I felt able to make that first contact.

I heard back from Lucy quite quickly after I made the initial phone call which I really appreciated. We were able to get an appointment booked in for the following week to have a face-to-face meeting. Although I was nervous, she reassured me in the days leading up to the meeting and gave me all the details so I knew where I was going.

On my first meeting, Lucy explained to me the bits of paperwork we needed to cover, things like confidentiality agreement and a risk assessment. But she also reassured me that we could take the time to go through those things when I was ready to. This was the first time I had spoken about the abuse I went through so I did not really know where to start. But once Lucy and I began chatting I felt at ease and was able to tell her what had recently been happening.

The main worry for me at my first meeting was the upcoming virtual court hearing I had with my ex-partner. I fled him over 7 years ago, but the control has been ongoing through the property and finances that we still have linked. I was able to talk through my worries and it was nice to be able to talk openly about the situation with somebody separate from family and friends. Lucy gave me some tips on how to cope with seeing him on the screen during virtual court – we decided it would be best to cover up his image with something like post it notes. Although it seems only a small thing, this did help put me at ease.

I went into our first few meetings questioning myself, ‘Why did I stay so long?’, and ‘Why did I let him treat me this way?’. Lucy was able to talk me through some of the reasons why I may have stayed at the time and it did help me identify this in my previous behaviour. At this point I felt reassured that it was not my fault and that I was not alone in dealing with this. We created a bit of a plan on how I wanted to move forward and Lucy left this up to me.

I was able to discuss all my different options with Lucy around my safety and moving forward. She spoke to me about non-molestation orders, this is not something I have done yet as there are currently bail conditions in place. I now feel I understand that process and how Lucy could support me to get an injunction if it is something I would want in the future.

I wanted to understand more about the cycle of abuse as it was something that Lucy mentioned quite early on. When I looked at the diagram, I could really recognise this cycle in my previous relationship. The more we spoke about the cycle and controlling behaviour, the more incidents I remembered from the past. I was confused why I had forgotten things or blocked things out, Lucy helped me understand how this is linked to the trauma. One thing I have struggled with is doubting myself when making decisions. We spoke about this in a few of our meetings and about how me being unable to make decisions in the relationship without his behaviour escalating could now be impacting on my confidence in making my own decisions. This was not something I had thought about before but it did help me understand better and see how this could have affected my self-esteem. We then planned to have more of a conversation around self esteem in our next meeting. We looked at the Bill of Rights – I found this a good way to reflect on changes that had happened since I fled that relationship and consider what healthy relationships could be like.

I have now had 5 meetings with Lucy in total and have been seeing her weekly. I am beginning to feel more confident in myself and have been able to open up to my children about more things as well. Having the opportunity to talk to somebody who is separate from the family has helped me recognise that this was not my fault, but also looking at how I can begin to move forward. Being able to recognise the impact his behaviour has had on me has allowed me to begin to rebuild. Moving forward I know that I have somebody who is going to listen to me with no judgement and who will support me to manage my worries and anxieties around future court dates as well as my safety.